I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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