That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
