I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
