my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
