The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
