This girl is more easily done than said...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
