I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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