i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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