Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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