someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
