i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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