so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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