Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
