you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
