Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that