i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize