Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
