I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
