Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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