So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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