so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
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Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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