i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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