by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
