I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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