I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
