when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
