Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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