new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
