I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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