I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
