it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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