You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
