after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
