The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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