well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
