I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
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I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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