There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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