i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
