burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
