I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
