Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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