I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
