i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize