I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
