A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
