My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
