My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i think my cat just said my name.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
