Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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