I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
