Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
