just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
