she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
