you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
