Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
