so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
