....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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