just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
